Feeling burdened? Feeling down?

this video needs no words from me. 

SO powerful. 

Have a wonderful Sunday. xo

God loves Broken Things

This song { by Kenneth Cope } really tugs at my heart strings. 

It will tug at yours too. 

Finding HOPE

"Amid the horrors of a civil war, I found hope in a book and a plastic bag."

A note from The Gallery of Goodness:
My mom attended "Time Out for Women" a few years ago and had the opportunity to meet a unique woman named Mariama Kallon. My mom was in the crowd when Mariama shared her moving story with the audience. My mom was deeply touched by this woman's courage and hope after ALL she'd been through ( read more of her story below).

My mom is in the Stake Young Women's presidency back at home in Texas and she was able to get ahold of Mariama to fly down to Texas to attend youth conference to speak. My family was pleased to have Mariama stay with them in their home for a few days. My mom said they have become "sisters for life" and she will be forever touched by Mariama and her amazing testimony. They will be forever friends. This woman who faced death and watched her family's lives being taken right in front of her lives her life sharing her testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ with others and the HOPE others can have through HIM.

Read her story below:

Sierra Leone was a sad place during my teenage years, but it was my home. For much of my life, my small West African country was torn by a civil war. The war affected everything. My family and I were constantly on the run, trying to escape the rebel soldiers. It was terrifying every time the rebels came through a city. Someone would see their torches approaching in the night, warn the others, and we would all run for the bush, grabbing whatever we could along the way.

About seven years after the war began, the rebels came to our city. My whole family was running to escape, but my parents, who were just a few steps behind me, were shot and killed. I was so sad to lose them, but I had to keep moving.

My brother, sister, and I moved to a safer place, and for a short while we were all right, but the rebels eventually hit that town, too. This time we didn’t have time to run away. My brother was taken and later killed. My sister and I were lined up outside with all the other women. The rebel soldiers were chopping limbs off of all the women in the line. We were all so frightened. Everyone was crying and praying—even people who had never believed in God before. I was not a member of the Church at the time, but I believed in God and prayed that His will would be done and hoped that He would find a way to save me.

My dear sister, who was several places ahead of me in line, had both of her legs cut off. But as the rebels reached the woman in front of me, our army came rushing in and the rebels ran away. I know that I was not better than the people who were in front of me or behind me, but I thanked God that I had been spared and prayed that I might understand His plan for me.

I moved to another village to live with a friend. As I was telling my story to my friend and some of her neighbors, one neighbor said, “Mariama, we don’t have anything to offer you except an invitation to church tomorrow. That’s where we find safety. That’s where we find hope.” I loved God already and needed comfort in my life, so I decided to go.

My first Sunday in that LDS branch is a day I will never forget. I learned of hope. You could just see that there was hope in those people, and I was drawn to them. I was given the Book of Mormon and started reading right away. I remember hearing in church about how families could be together again after death and then reading in Alma 11 where Alma teaches about how our bodies will be made perfect again in theResurrection. I felt the Spirit so strong as I thought of my family. I knew that the Church was true and that we could be together forever—each of us well and whole.

There were no missionaries in Sierra Leone at that time, so I took the lessons from my branch president and was baptized soon after. We were blessed in our town, because the Church sent food and humanitarian kits for the members of the Church and others. The food kept us all alive. Everyone was so grateful even to receive a small bag of rice or beans. I received a blanket and a hygiene kit that included a toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, soap, a comb, and a washcloth.

Not long after, the rebels hit again. They burned down the house I was living in, and as I was running to escape the flames, I took time to save only two things—my scriptures and my hygiene kit. We had to live on the run for a while after that, and I used my hygiene kit to help those around me. I would squeeze out one pinch of toothpaste for each person, or we would go to the river and carefully pass my bar of soap from person to person. The kit was so precious to us. The blanket, too, was invaluable. It sheltered us for many days until I used it to wrap an old woman who had died and had nothing to be buried in.

Eventually, I went back to my town and my branch. It was then that I decided I wanted to serve a mission. This was a difficult decision for me, because I had nothing and would be leaving behind people I loved. As I was trying to decide, I read D&C 84:81 and 88, which say, “Therefore, take ye no thought for the morrow, for what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, or wherewithal ye shall be clothed … for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” I knew the Lord would care for me, so I turned in my mission papers and was called to the Utah Salt Lake City Temple Square Mission.

I arrived in Utah with practically nothing, but I insisted on bringing my hygiene kit, because it meant so much to me. One day, my companion and I were taking a tour of the Humanitarian Center in Salt Lake, and I recognized a blanket that had the Relief Society logo embroidered on it, just like the one I’d had in Sierra Leone. I looked around and saw hygiene kits like mine and familiar bags of beans and rice, and I began cry.

“This is where they came from!” I thought to myself. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I remembered what these things sitting in stacks in the Humanitarian Center in Salt Lake meant to my friends and to me in Sierra Leone. I was so grateful to the Lord for preserving me, for bringing the gospel into my life, and for allowing me to serve a mission. I knew that His angels truly had been round about me, to bear me up."
(www.lds.org) 


Click HERE to find out more about the Humanitarian Center in Salt Lake City, Utah. 

Jaylie's Story

A friend of mine sent me the blog of a little 5 year old named Jaylie. I read a lot of the entries and it moved me to tears right away. Continue reading and you'll see why:


 Jaylie's Story: 


"Our beautiful little girl Jaylie (5years old) was having some vision problems and what we thought would be a quick trip to the opthamologist and possibly getting glasses, turned into a visit at the ER learning she had a brain tumor. Jaylie had brain surgery to remove the large tumor on April 28th 2011. She was diagnosed on May 3rd with Supratentorial Premitive Neuroectodermal Tumor or sPNET. It is a rare and aggressive form of cancer. We thank you for all your prayers, support, and love in this challenging time of our lives.





Written Monday May 2, 2011: 

Jaylie did well last night and slept well except having to go to the bathroom a couple times. She can't move very well so we have to help her out of bed and stuff. She has eaten pretty well today but we have to encourage her and she doesn't eat near what she used to, but shell get there. Her sodium levels are still being kept up by iv and they started having her take sodium tablets. She can't swallow pills yet so we have to crush them up and mix them with orange juice. I put a couple sugar packets in it because it is horrible and the salted thing you've ever tasted. She has to do 3 tablets 4 times a day, so it's a struggle getting hr to do it. Plus she's on a bunch of other meds but she has been a trooper taking them. We will stay in ICU until her sodium gets regulated on it's own. Her surgeon dr. Lee came and talked with us today and said within the next 24 hours it should be doing it on it's own. He said we still don't have the pathology reports back yet, maybe tomorrow. The oncologist is probably going to talk with us today and meet us. Therapists have been coming to work with her, physical and occupational. She pretty much hates them mainly I think because she is frustrated with herself because she can't do everything on her own. It’s going to be hard and sad for us but she will get there. Her left side isn't working quite as well as her right but were working on it. I started balling during therapy today because she was freaking out and not wanting to do it and just wasn't being herself and was being to the therapists. It was so hard to see her like that and sad that she even Has to go through this. I usually am pretty strong especially around her. Its just so hard.

She is only on Tylenol for the pain so that's awesome. They draw her blood every 4 hours and she hates that. She has an iv in each arm. Poor girl though, she's had a bunch of iv's and they work for a while but then give out so they have to do it in another place. It's so hard seeing your kid go through this.

Jaylie has laughed some today and has said some cute stuff. She is acting more like herself everyday. I'm so proud of her. We have a ways to go but I know she will get there.

I'm laying by her in her bed right now and she's playing games on Dads phone with her left hand which is great because she doesn't use that one as well as her right. She has been giving us the cutest little kisses the last couple days and it makes Kip and I so happy. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through but I know I am being helped by my Heavenly Father and I am so thankful for all your prayers for us and Jaylie.

Written Wednesday May 4th 2011: 
We found out yesterday late afternoon that Jaylie has an aggressive form of cancer called PNET, or supratentorial primitive neuroectodermal tumor. It was a very hard day to say the least. She will undergo radiation along with chemotherapy for 6 weeks and then just chemo for around 6-9 months. We are thankful for the prayers and all the cards, gifts, and food on our behalf and Jaylie's. She is recovering pretty well now, still waiting on her sodium levels but they get better everyday. We ate hoping to be home by Saturday or Sunday but are not sure yet. This is going to be a long road and a scary one for her and us. We are trying our best to stay strong and be happy for Jaylie's sake. She is a strong, determined, stubborn, competitive girl and all these qualities will help her through this. I know Heavenly Father sent her to earth with her personality for this reason. And I know that there is purpose in everything and that we are being strengthened and comforted. And I know my Savior knows my pain. This just sucks- bad.

To read updates about Jaylie follow her blog here: 

jaylienielson.blogspot.com

What can I do to Help? 


Jaylie's family answer is: 


"Everyone wants to help but a lot of times people don't know what to do! This is why we have created Jaylie's online community with Lotsahelpinghands.org. Here you can find out exactly what the Nielson Family's needs are.

If you would like to be a part of Jaylie's online community please send me an email atlotsofhelpinghands@gmail.com.

If you are not near by or have been inspired by Jaylie's story don't forget that you can still help! You can donate to Jaylie's Cancer Recovery Fund or participate in our fundraiser’s. Your proceeds will go towards Jaylie's medical bills."

Click here to DONATE or to leave little Jaylie a message. 

A Survivor

Remember my friend Michelle and the tragic loss of her baby boy James when he was only 2 years old? Well, she recently blogged about James.... I read it and it moved me to tears. I got her permission to copy/paste her post to share with all of you. Here it is: 

I've always been a cup-half-full kind of gal. . . 

That was until James died. . . 

and then. . .

I became something I didn't ever think. . . 

A cup-half-empty kind of gal. . . 

I viewed the world in two very extreme pairs of glasses. . . 

I've lived on both sides of the fence.

I prefer the cup-half-full kind of life. 

I could be a victim. . . 

or

I could be a survivor. . . 

I could be an optimist

or

I could be a pessimist. . .

I could be happy

or

I could be miserable. . . 

I could live 

or

 I could just merely exist. . . 

5 years later. . . 

I choose to be an optimistic happy living survivor. 

One who sees that cup half full again. 

Seven years ago today, right at this moment, I held in my arms, my 7 hour old, 

***Sweet Baby James*** 

for the first time.

He was perfect-from head to toe.

His spirit was bigger than his body;

You could tell it straight away.

His eyes were permanently propped open.

No sleepy stage for this little guy;

he had too much to see in too little of time. 

He held his head up in the hospital 

and was pushing himself up with his arms when he was just days old.

He was happiest when he was standing straight up at  the ripe old age of 3 weeks.

James was colicky 

that was hard. . . really really hard. 

It forced us to walk around with him every night from 6:00-10:00 pm

and it had to be outside. 

At the time I thought it was so frustrating.

Now, 

I see it as the tender mercy that it was-

extra time spent holding my baby 

that I would only have for 21 months and 24 days. 

I'm always amazed how much I could love him so much in such a short amount of time. 

He was curious and active.

He walked at 9 months. . .

climbed at 11 month. . . 

ran at 12 months. . 

He ran-and ran-and ran-

and then ran some more. 

He kept me on my toes. 

He squeeled. 

He laughed.

He loved. 

He was and still is the love and joy of my life. 

***

I competed in my first triathlon yesterday in memory of my sweet baby James.

It was Sprint distance-

(800 meter swim, 12 mile bike, 3 mile run)

but it was the most challenging race I've competed in. 

I trained a lot

-or so I thought-

I

I was pretty diligent in making it to the gym 4-6 times a week.

I ran, cycled or swam everyday.

But the majority of my training was done inside and on flat surfaces.  

It was a whole different story on the course-because the course was not flat. 

On race day-

the water was 55 degrees. 

Nerves were getting the best of me and fear set in.
It was new; it was unfamiliar territory. 

It was a path I had never trod. And I was doing it alone.  

So familiar to my grief-unfamiliar and scary, with only myself and God to get through it.
The fast swimmers took off.

I was in the back of the pack with the novice swimmers.

I swam and swam and couldn't get to the buoy. 

It seemed to be getting further away. 

Once I got to the first buoy 

the coast guard announced over the megaphone, 

"Use US as the buoy. The buoy has been dislodged and has drifted."

the coast guard boat was about 150-200 meters closer than the buoy-where I was at.

Nice. 

So I swam to the second bouy. . . 

and yet again. . . 

it happened. . . 

once I was to the second buoy the coast guard boat announced,

"We ARE your buoy. The buoy has drifted."

(They were about 200 meters closer to shore). 

We will just say I was in the water for a VERY Long time.

I have never been so frightened in my life to be honest

 to be out in a lake

with only my own inner strength to rely on.

There were times I really didn't want to keep on keepin on . . . 

but I had no choice. . . 

I certainly wasn't going to give up

nor was I about to sink and drown.

I made it back to shore and ran barefoot up the 300 foot dirt road to my bike. 

The first 7 miles were uphill. Literally. 

There was a beautiful 50 yard, 45 degree hill about 2 miles into the ride. 

I hadn't trained for hills...Remember?

I took a deep breath at the bottom of that hill and 

'put my shoulder to the wheel'

The last 5 miles on the bike there was a mean crosswind. 

I could do this.

I've done harder.

I've lost a son.

Certainly, I can do this. 

Because I'm a survivor.

I'm a fighter.

I'm capable. 

I'm strong-

Emotionally,

Spiritually,

Mentally.

As I rode on the bike, I sang to my baby happy birthday. 

and then I sang my song for him...

"You are my sunshine, my sweetest sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know James how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."

Tears filled my eyes as I momentarily wallowed in self-pity that my sunshine had been taken away.

And then I realized,  as I felt the warmth of the sun beat down upon me that he wasn't taken away,

he just shines from a different sphere.

He's not physically present, but he is spiritually present. 

He is there for me-pushing me, encouraging me, loving me,

*I just can't see him*

But I certainly could feel him.

I started running the last leg of the race and my calves were like lead. 

The run was almost all trail. Something I hadn't done at all in training. 

Also all hills. 

The course was beautiful.

BUT it was hard. 

I rounded the corner and saw my kids and my parents and sister with her children.

They yelled out for me

"GO SHELLY!"

 I smiled as I passed

And I was so grateful for family support.

*It meant the world to me to have them there. That's what family is for.*

 and I sprinted into the finish line. 

You know me and how I parallel everything to my grief....

Before James died, I thought I was 'spiritually trained'. 

But I didn't realize I had only done flat course 'spiritual training' (the easy stuff). 

and how much more challenging the actual 'course' (grief, death, trials,adversity) would be. 

We are not often not as prepared as we ought to be (and think we are) to face the long swims that leave us vulnerable to either sink or swim, the challenges, hurdles, cross winds and hills 

we face in life that are unanticipated. 

We sometimes slack in our 'spiritual' training like scripture study and family home evening and prayer. Often we slack on a grander scale in our 'hill spiritual training' the training that is harder, that stretches our limits and capacities, that we have to put forth real effort to accomplish. Things like service, unconditional love, making God and Christ our best friend through remembrance, surrendering the weaknesses that only God and ourselves know we have, forgiveness, and striving to be more Christlike everyday. 

. 

Trials can seem scary if we haven't laid the ground work and foundation and endurance

through

 real, solid, spiritual training.
But if you have put in the time training-

"If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear."

Love,

Michelle

You can read Michelle's Blog HERE. 

What I believe

Come hear a living Prophet of God ( President Thomas S. Monson) Speak to the

 WORLD today and tomorrow. 

I always look forward to general conference. If you are having a rough last few months, if you are looking for direction & peace in your life, if you're just wanting to feel comforted and uplifted... join us watching General Conference from your own living room today & tomorrow.

I know that these men and women who will speak to us this weekend are men and women of our Heavenly Father. The things they will speak to us about are inspired of God. I promise you, no matter what religion you are, that if you come, listen to General Conference with an open heart and mind, you will feel that the things these men & women speak about are true. And if you don't believe, just listen. You will walk away feeling refreshed and ready to start anew. :)

Times for General Conference:

Saturday Morning Session:
 10:00 am - Noon (Mountain Time) ~ so in Texas, it will start @ 11:00 and California: 9:00 am. etc.

Saturday Afternoon Session: 
2:00 - 4: 00 pm ( Mountain Time)

Sunday Morning Session: 
10:00 am- Noon ( Mountain Time)

Sunday Afternoon Session: 
2:00 - 4:00 pm (Mountain Time)

You can watch it LIVE online HERE  or you can watch it on TV by searching your TV guide.

extra reads:
"Why Participate in Conference?" 
We have a living Prophet of God on earth TODAY 
God's Plan for Happiness
Jesus Christ, Our Savior
The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ

More questions? Go HERE to find out more or send me a message! 

Happy General Conference weekend everyone! 

Broken

Meet my friend, Julie Anne and read her story about how she battled depression: 

August 2010

"How can you feel so down when you're life is so good?" is the question that swarms in my mind. My answer, "I don't know." So many, upon when hearing of my condition, have asked, "why?" and I stare blankly back, unable to respond. I wish there was a reason. I don't wish for ill, or something major, but at least I could slap a label on it and be done. Instead, I am left feeling crazy, scared, and weak and don't why.

My friend Shannon said, "I went to aerobic instructor boot camp for two days, and I literally could not do a thing after. Does it feel like that?" No. I've been sick as a dog and still ached to get up and DO.This is the sick where you lose the fire to do. That's hell if I've ever known it. I'm numb, all I can and want to do is lay in bed with the covers over my head. There I am lost, overwhelmed, and without hope, yet I still don't want to stand up. This can last for days, weeks... I force myself to get up to at least do the essentials for the kids. But if it's not essential I am frozen. I long to be busy, where I am happy (that's me!), but where is my direction? Gone.

Fears creep up. "There's no way out, I'm broken, I can't handle anything, I can't do it,everything, anything is too overwhelming".....irrational thinking of an irrational state of mind. I have realized that I care an awful lot about what people think. I agonize: "I need to call her, I have to text her back, I am suppose to be there right now, people hate me, they think I'm a flake, I'm not reliable, I'll never be the same in their eyes." When I am back to being me and thinking clearly, I know these thoughts are not true.

A year goes by with the beginnings of these suffering fading in and out, great ups and some downs... but lately, more and more of the shutting down. "I'm feeling overwhelmed, well I might as well lay down then," is how it starts. When I lay down, I am giving in. I lose my direction, I am lost. I enter into varying depths of "the pit" and may or may not reappear soon.

At this point I realized I need help. It's not something I can keep pushing and pushing and fighting and fighting through. As I look back, that's what I've done my whole life. I'm stressed, work harder. I'm so stressed, I work so hard, I achieve so high. Where is the peace, when can I relax, keep working hard, but why am I always overwhelmed? How come, even though I am so capable, she can do it and be happy and I am sitting here so overwhelmed with this cloud (whatever the cloud may be at that particular time, ie school, work, parenting) never goes away.......years, years, I'm happy, I really do love life working hard, but oh I'm always stressed, but I can live life on this high frequency, this is just how I am.....................the stress rises.........I SHUT DOWN.

Help. I need help, I might lose everything I hold dear. God, I have no idea what to do.

"You are so loved, Julie Anne," I feel it from all around, from YOU, from Will, from my kids, my family, and most especially my Father in Heaven. This is "but a small moment." (D&C 121:7)

I had my first appointment with a therapist. I learned some things. My "All or Nothing Perspective" was pointed out. WOW oh WOW how that struck home! I need to do it all, all right, or I can't do it. Example: I need to feed my kids whole grains, fruits and vegetables....oh my goodness it is too overwhelming, here, here is some chocolate chips.Or I need to do the dishes, scrub, scrub...ah the I see the baseboards are dirty, oh no I see the doors are dirty, oh my goodness look at the window sill, the windows......ahhh, I am so overwhelmed I can't possibly do these few dishes, I have to lay down on the couch ." (these are real things I stress about) But it doesn't matter the situation, I will find something to hone in my stress on. (Reagan's sleep habits for example). Yeah, All or Nothing Perspective to a T.

Through this first session I also realized something very big.....I'm trying too hard to be perfect. Yes, we are all striving to be better through this life, that's what it's all about. But somehow I need to take it on in a different way. I don't know how not to try to be perfect. I clearly know that I am NOT perfect, but I don't know how to let myself not try. Example: I honestly did not know how not to get an A in school. I mean maybe if I honestly couldn't pass a test, but there was NO way I would not turn in a paper, not do an assignment, not study my butt off for a test. I just couldn't. I could honestly say that if I got a B it was fine, but I didn't know how to not do my best in the class, if that makes sense. Now apply that to all of my life....I can't get an A in every aspect of my life and I don't have control over things and I get so stressed out and so overwhelmed that I shut down. (just lately).

As I've shared this "perfect" concept to a few people I have realized that I have sadly hurt more people than myself. Don't take this the wrong way but I sort of have a flawless first impression (once you get to know me, you realized I am all too real and flawed) but for some reason I come off WAY better than I am on first glimpse. Or on my blog. I don't think it's me being fake, but when you see everyone from the outside you don't see all the struggles.

Me proclaiming to the world that I am dealing with depression and that I am hurting so badly was almost a relief. I could breath. I could allow myself to be in sorrow, to let people see me lying in bed, with my kids going crazy, sweep the disgustingness off my kitchen floor and scrub my toilet and you know what....IT WAS OKAY.

I'm OKAY. I'm going to be OKAY. It is so so hard, and it's not over, it's going to be a long journey, probably something I will struggle with all my life. But that is OKAY.

I know that this trial will stretch me so far, and that I will undoubtedly be able to use it to help others. My Relief Society President, Rosemary Jarman, lovingly held my hand in bed and said, "Julie Anne, I don't know why you have to go through this, but when you find out, will you tell me?" Her beaming face looking down at mine, sitting on the other end of very real trials, filled me with such hope.

This will not break me! I will only be stronger. I will fulfill my dreams, so many things Heavenly Father sent me here to accomplish.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously

give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

A Return to Love - Marianne Williamso

September 2010

I am so grateful I opened up. I have been vulnerable and it has allowed you to be vulnerable with me. I'm grateful I can continue this conversation so openly.

I struggle with anxiety. I have my whole life. I always just labeled it as "stress" and "worry" but it pushed me to great heights and I kept it under control for the most part. When I finally admitted to myself, upon realizing that I could never relax, that I had an anxiety problem (this was one year ago), it scared me. Scared me bad. I started having anxiety over having anxiety. I wondered what I should do, should I get help or continue life as it had always been, a life that was pretty good.

I am a "to do list" kind of girl. I feel accomplished when I "get things done," "finish a project," have things in "control." As a mom, that is hard to do.

From a combination of many things (prone to anxiety, family history, all or nothing and perfection ideology, etc.) I have been suffering with depression. I don't think it's totally a depression problem but more of being so overwhelmed and full of anxiety that it plummets me into a depression. And the depression is so so real.

****

Julie Anne wanted to share her story so YOU can feel like you are not alone. 

Thank you, Julie for sharing your experience with us! 

Other stories to help battle depression are found here and here and here. 

Finding Peace

Meet my friend, Michelle. She has been through A LOT these past 5 years. She's a young mother, a photographer, and friend. Today, I gave a talk on " The Lord's Pattern for Peace" in Sacrament meeting. I shared Michelle's story of tragic loss and then finding peace and comfort through the atonement Jesus Christ. She is amazing.

Here's her story in her own words:

“I sat in the cold dark room at the trauma center in Las Vegas. Anxiously awaiting the news and fate of my son of 22 months of age after he tragically fell from our second story window. I knew it was not going to be good. I tried to plea with God to just make him live. I found myself unable to make a plea deal with God because I just knew in my heart that what I wanted to ask for-him living- was just not going to happen. The time had come for my babe to go home to his Maker and serve God and us on the other side. It didn't look promising but the doctors gave us an ounce of hope. But still, my heart ached as I pondered the fact that I may never hold my living, breathing, beautiful, perfect baby boy again in this life.

He was my Sunshine baby. The kind of baby that lit up this world. Or at least lit up this mothers heart in this world. I adored him, and he adored me. The Doctor came in and out for 5 hours giving us updates. Moments before the doctors last arrival, an impression was made upon us, "You must let go of me. I will be with you." And then came the knock ...knock... knock... on the door.

"I need to tell you that we did everything in our power, but there was nothing left for us to do. Your son did not make it through the surgery. He's gone." I fell into the arms of who would become some of my closest friends. This couldn't be happening. But oddly, there was a strange sense of peace and reverence and faith and strength.

The years that followed were not always so full of those strengths, contrary actually. Rather filled with weaknesses and questions of why. Hate, anger, bitterness, frustration, sadness, depression, denial were some of the waves of emotions I found myself surfing on. There was very little- to no peace in my life and heart for 4 years following the aftermath of James' death. I struggled and was on the brink of losing it mentally and spiritually. God brought me to my breaking point and I was ready to snap in half.

I laid in my bed one day as I sulked in self pity. I prayed that God would send someone to me in my time of need. Heavenly Father didn't send anyone... this time, he sent me so much more than a human, he sent me this:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

The entire time after James' death I depended on the flesh of man to provide me strength and peace in my suffering. It was never lasting nor permanent. They could offer temporary relief, but it wasn't constant. That day I learned there is only 1 true source of permanent peace-and that source lies within our faith of our Savior and his ability to guide us through our lives and trials. He is the vessel, we are just merely passengers. God is peace. Faith is peace. Obedience is peace.”

Thank you for sharing your story, Michelle.

I invite you to visit her personal blog to get to know her better and to read more about James.

Go here to read more.